


I Never Watch The Stars (There's So Much Down Here)

by ScentedPaperQueen



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hunger Games Setting, Ambiguous/Open Ending, District 13 (Hunger Games), Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Nightmares, Sorry Ned you don't exist, The Capitol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:54:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23687251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScentedPaperQueen/pseuds/ScentedPaperQueen
Summary: Shane went out into danger while Ryan stayed home in safety.If it wasn't evident, Shane had the most risk of dying, anyone could see that.But he didn't. (Or did he?)
Relationships: Andrew Ilnyckyj/Steven Lim, Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej
Kudos: 27





	I Never Watch The Stars (There's So Much Down Here)

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Yellow Flicker Beat" by Lorde and it is AMAZING. Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PdILZ_1P74 
> 
> Thank you so much for checking my first fic out!! I hope you like it :D.
> 
> I do not own Shane and Ryan or any of the characters mentioned in this story.

**"I wish they were all dead and we were, too. It would be best."** \- Finnick Odair _, Catching Fire_

Ryan was giving Shane more food...again. It was always food that he couldn't spare. 

District 13 was like that. The exact opposite of the gluttony the Capitol represented. They were frugal. Each member of District 13 got _just_ enough calories to function on until the next meal, with all the colorful and interesting factors put into each individual's metabolism. Shane craved the good-tasting food of the Capitol. He'd personally never been there (and thanked his lucky stars) but through all the mandatory television he had to watch, the food looked _amazing._

"Ryan."

Ryan ignored him, plopping food from his own tray onto Shane's. Extra slimy soup.... _Yum_. When Ryan deemed the amount that Shane was having was good enough, he then started on his own (which had only half left). 

"I'll come back. No matter how fat I am from the slime you give me." 

Ryan snorted but stilled soon afterwards. Silence erupted. Shane hated this. Hated this version of Ryan. The version that gave him food for the extra burst of energy that could mean the difference between life or death. The version that worried his bottom lip.

The scared and worried sick version.

It came out every Reaping. It stopped coming out when they'd settled in District 13. He could give District 13 that. It was not ideal but it was safe, as safe it could be in Panem right now. More than their home in District 12. Enough so Ryan can be okay. That's all Shane asks. 

Ryan breaks the silence. "Come back. I'm getting itchy just staying here, waiting for you. So next time, we can go together." Ryan stayed back for a reason, as Katniss Everdeen, the Mockingjay (the one to _save_ them all), let slip that Ryan was the strategist behind the District 12 rescue. Shane and Steven were the conductors. So, Ryan stayed in Command, developing strategies for the Mockingjay. They had offered it to him and Steven; to work with the Mockingjay for the sake of protecting her during propos, than help with aid. Both declined. Ryan and Shane got into a fight after that.

_You're being selfish, Ryan._

_If I'm being selfish by keeping you alive then yeah I am._

Shane knew that the higher-ups won't let Ryan go. 

A part of his mind whispered, "But maybe. They'll say _yes._ You'll keep him safe. You have to."

Shane took Ryan's hand and held it. "That...would be great." He knew that he didn't tell a lie. He'd never be able to lie to Ryan. 

Shane suited up. Ryan always helped him with the straps. Ryan's hands flew over the suit, fastening everything just right. If Shane had the most amount of protection, he wouldn't die. _And leave Ryan._

It was a routine.

"Come back. You have to. I'd never forgive you if you don't." 

"I will. I'll always come back to you."

Then Ryan would smile and Shane would lean down and kiss him. 

The kiss would be too short, like always. 

He had not anticipated the bomb.The ambush. The gunfire. Shane instinctively moved toward the back of the group, gun up and firing where the gunfire came as the group began to run to where the invisible hovercraft was. Should be.   
  
Screaming resulted from the bombed area that they just left. _Shit._

Marielle Scott, the leader of the group, shouted that they keep moving. That they helped them as much as they could and they needed to go. That they could never stay and save them. Like with every other mission. The rest of the group, including Shane, obeyed.   
  


It still didn’t assuage his conscience nor give him sleep at night. Ryan never liked that the missions sometimes gave Shane nightmares. 

_You should stop going, stay with me._

_I need to keep moving, Ryan. I can't stay._

_I know._

_I know._

The hovercraft wasn't there. It should've been. **"** **They spotted you. Think there's Mockingjay. Bombing planes. Peacekeepers dropping."** Sara Rubin’s voice fizzed through the headset. _Double Shit._

"What are we going to do now?"

**"Run."**

**"We'll find you. When we're not...occupied."**

The Capitol found the hovercraft. _Triple shit._

The group was running. They instinctively fell into their roles. Shane and Steven in the back. Mari in the center. Eugene and Keith in the front.

Shane aimed at the Peacekeepers that were quickly gaining while Steven aimed that the planes heading to them. Shane couldn't care about the rest. He kept moving. 

"Over here." Mari said through the headsets, she directed them into a warehouse. A warehouse with a bunker, hopefully. The group hurried in and shut the door. It was barricaded as much as possible. Mari looked around for any sign that a bunker existed. 

A bunker should have existed.

But then...just like a hovercraft from District 13 should have been there to collect them.

Mari looked at each and every single one of them. The look in her eyes said it all. _We're going to die._

They're locked in there, with a hovercraft occupied. With a Mockingjay, supposedly (but not true), and Peacekeepers on land that were most likely ordered to kill, not bring them in alive. 

"They're in here!" 

"Blow it up!" 

The group knew what to do. They each opened their armor, revealing a single pill. They'd work together. They'd survived together. They'd lived together. Now they'd die together.

_If you die on a mission, I'd never forgive myself._

_I won't die, Ryan._

_You don't fucking know that!_

_Well I do!_

_Stubborn prick._

_I do try._

He should've just listened to Ryan. But his heart demanded that Shane make Panem a better place, not just for himself. But for Ryan. For everyone. He couldn't bring himself to regret not listening to Ryan.

"On the count of three." Steven said quietly.

_One, Two, Thr--_

**"We're back on. We're going to find you. State coordinates."**

Mari smiled as she stated her coordinates. "Guess I'd still be dealing with you hooligans a while longer."   
  
Shane replied, “But the peacekeepers, the bomber planes. There’s no way out. They’re going to kill us.” _Way to be the party-pooper, Shane._  
  
**”They’re retreating for some reason. Something’s happening.”** ****

A new voice fizzled through the crowd.

“Attention all reporting soldiers. Soldier Everdeen and her team has deployed in the Capitol. Capitol intelligence received word. All soldiers except the following must retreat: Soldier Marielle Scott, Soldier Steven Lim, Soldier Eugene Lee Yang, Soldier Keith Habersberger......”

No one said a word. They couldn't manage to say it. That everyone in this group might be said. After all, this group consisted of experienced soldiers: soldiers who came to District 13, those who know how the world outside works. To say it, meant that it would be true. Steven's face had the face of someone who didn't really want to die, but forced to. _'Now isn't that just a citizen of Panem for you.'_ Shane remarked to himself. 

Shane tensed. He's going to go in with Steven, his group, isn't he? It was only right. Steven became a high-ranking soldier with Shane for the same reason. So he expected to hear his name.

But he didn't. The only one in the group to not hear it. And he heard a name that he did not want to hear. 

“Soldier Ryan Bergara. Those named will head to the Capitol to fight. Please attend Hovercraft 135-602. Thank you.” 

  
The group came back to District 13. Shane watched them strap on more weapons and armor as he took them off. Two hands swatted his hand away as that hand failed to unbutton the same button for the fourth time because it was too shaky. Shane was shaking. Not for himself but for the man who was helping him.   
  
“Still can’t unbutton a button?” Ryan asked cheekily. 

”Still can’t reach my height.” Shane bit back.   
  
“Shut up, Shane.” 

Ryan stood back and took Shane in. Shane now in his normal and drab clothes of 13. He feels like the tables have switched. Shane is now watching Ryan strap in with the weapons and armor. His hands don’t know what to do except try and help. Ryan doesn’t say anything this time. “Why wasn’t I put in with my group?” He whispered softly. 

Ryan stilled. “You were just lucky, big guy.” Ryan had a tell when he was lying or hiding something. It was obvious. He just couldn’t look you in the eyes. 

And of course, he didn’t look Shane in the eyes. 

_Someday, we should settle down. Get a farm. A cow. A chicken._

_And die old?  
_

_And die old._  
  


Ryan...going out there? In the most dangerous place possible? The one main enemy of the rebellion? He's...he's...

_Not going to fucking live._

But Shane has to hope. Believe in Ryan. Ryan's strong and smart. He'll make it back.

Yes. He will make it back. He has too.

First, Shane had business to attend. Business meaning 'punching President Coin in the face'. 

Shane surprisingly succeeded. After all, he rarely punched anyone. Then he got tackled to the ground like he'd expected.

“You promised me. That you wouldn’t let him go anywhere. Do you _remember?_ ” He spit out at Coin.   
  


_An uncertain Shane stood in Command for the first time with Steven. President Coin, the leader of the rebellion he heard, sat in front of him. She waited patiently after she laid down the rules for the both of them.  
_

_”What’s the catch?” Shane burst out. Steven's eyes worriedly looked at him. The other one never thought to ask that before. District 13 is safe, isn't it. It's a heaven. A home. Why should they burrow in too deep and discover the wrongness of it all. Live in ignorance. Ignorance is bliss._

_Shane...he knew better. Ignorance is what gets you killed._

_”Always danger. It’s the norm in Panem.”_

_Steven spoke up. "I'll do it. I'll work."_

_President Coin nodded. "Your service is appreciated." She turned to Shane and waited. This boy would demand something from her. Most likely about the other boy that came with him. Most likely his lover._

_"Ryan doesn't leave."_

_"Okay, he's better off here anyway."_  
  


“Soldier Madej, his work is imperative in Capitol. Soldier Bergara is a strategist. It’s not like we forced him. He volunteered all on his own. I believe you can figure out why." 

Of course Shane knew why. _To save Shane, himself._ He couldn’t feel like blaming himself now (even though he was the reason that Ryan might die). “You let him go.” He said, angrily. “You let him go out _there_.” 

"Escort him out. His emotions will jeopardize this." 

  
Shane scoffed as he was unceremoniously thrown out. He brushed the dust of his armor, rolled his shoulders back, and made his way to Hovercraft 135-602. 

He's going on that mission. Fuck brain over brawn. 

  
"Hovercraft 135-602 left already sir."

_Triple shit._

Shane stood in front of Zach Kornfeld. "There's no way?"

Zach shook his head sadly. "No way." Then he leaned in close. "But there's a medical hovercraft. Number 450-249. It's going to head there when everything's all clear. It's going to take a long while. But you'll get there. You know Andrew Ilnyckyj right? He's a paramedic and..."

The unspoken words hung in the air. _And Steven Lim's boyfriend._

"Yeah, thanks. And...." 

The unspoken words hung in the air but known. _Eugene and Keith are going to come back too. Everyone’s going to come back._  
  


"You're here too? To help?"   
  
Andrew looked at him with a raised eyebrow. From Steven, Shane assumed, Andrew knew that Shane had no experience nor any idea what he was supposed to do. He’d hinder more than be helpful. So the paramedic knew that he shouldn’t let the desperate guy in front of him get out. 

But Steven was Shane’s best friend. Zach trusted Shane enough to send him here to Andrew. 

”Fine. But if you get caught doing something...I don’t know...what you’re not supposed to do. I’m going to say that you snuck on and should be deposited in front of Snow.”   
  
Shane laughed. “Yes sir.” Then he went in Hovercraft 450-249. 

It took long to take off. It took long to get there. But finally...

Finally Shane landed in District 2. He didn’t know what to say to Ryan yet. Maybe... _don’t fucking go on missions into a death trap of a Capitol._

Maybe.... _I love you, but I’m angry, but I’m happy you’re alive.  
_

Ryan just had to be alive first.   
  


Shane wondered whether seeing Ryan alive but dying, counted as being alive. He’d wondered that when landing and seeing Ryan laying down a couple feet away from him, cradled in Steven’s arms. 

He wants to know whether that counts. 

“He was shot. Major artery. Bled out too much.”   
  
Shane knew the answer alright, now. _Not enough._ Not enough so the paramedics to save him. _Not enough for Shane and Ryan to finally be **free**.   
_

Ryan was breathing heavily. “You,” he coughed out, “were not supposed to be here.”   
  
Shane pulled Ryan out of Steven’s arms, cradling him close to his chest. Almost as you would for a baby. He chuckled bitterly. “And you were? I was supposed to go here, huh?” _And you took my fucking place. I was supposed to **die.  
**_****

Ryan smiled slightly. “Yea.” Then he’d wheezed in Shane’s arms. Steven had placed an oxygen mask over Ryan’s. Shane tried to ignore the reality of that the oxygen mask was not to save Ryan, but to just make him comfortable. Comfortable as he--

No, don't say it. Don't think it. Don't jinx it. Don't jinx something to happen faster than it already is. 

_What happens if I die?_

_You won't die, Shane. I'll make sure of it._

"I love you." Ryan mumbled against Shane's neck. 

"I love you too." Shane whispered back. "Just hang on, okay? We'll get you up into the craft and we'll fly home and you'll be healed and I'll get a farm and we'll be safe and the rebellion's going to succeed just stay with me- ** _Ryan!_** " 

Ryan was slumped against Shane. Just like he always did when sleeping, cuddled against him to protect him from whatever nightmare haunted him at night. 

  
He's not breathing. He's not breathing. He's not breathing.

Stop, calm down Shane. Check his pulse.

He doesn't have a pulse. No no this can't be happening.   
  


Shane Madej was not a person who cried. But he sure as hell did when he begged Ryan to wake up.

"It's hopeless, Shane." Steven placed a hand on his shoulder. "He's in a better place." 

Shane looked up slowly and shakily whispered, "You know..you were supposed to keep him fucking safe!"

Steven flinched. Shane looked back at the man who'd promised to keep him safe. 

"Not just your love died you know?" Steven whispered angrily back. "Keith did too. I could have been the same." He sounded hurt.

"Well you didn't. Maybe Keith will take better care of him."

Shane pulled out a gun. 

"I'll take better care of him." 


End file.
